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Dear Civilians, friends, draft
dodgers, etc.
In the very near future, the
undersigned will once more be in your midst, dehydrated and demoralized, to take his place
again as a human being with the well known forms of freedom and justice for all; engage in
life, liberty and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. In making your joyous
preparations to welcome him back into organized society you might take certain steps to
make allowances for the past twelve months. In other words, he might be a little
Asiastic from Vietnamesitis and overseatisitis, and should be handled with care.
Don't be alarmed if he is infected with all forms of rare tropical diseases. A
little time in the "Land of the Big PX" will cure this malady.
Therefore, show no alarm if he
insists on carrying a weapon to the dinner table, looks around for his steel pot when
offered a chair, or wakes you up in the middle of the night for guard duty. Keep
cool when he pours gravy on his dessert at dinner or mixes peaches with his Seagram's
VO. Pretend not to notice if he acts dazed, eats with his fingers instead of
silverware and prefers C-rations to steak. Take it with a smile when he insists on
digging up the garden to fill sandbags for the bunker he is building. Be tolerant
when he takes his blanket and sheet off the bed and puts them on the floor to sleep on.
Abstain from saying anything about
powdered eggs, dehydrated potatoes, fried rice, fresh milk or ice cream. Do not be
alarmed if he should jump up from the dinner table and rush to the garbage can to wash his
dish with a toilet brush. After all, this has been his standard. Also, if it
should start raining, pay no attention to him if he pulls off his clothes, grabs a bar of
soap and a towel and runs outdoors for a shower.
When in his daily conversation he
utters such things as: "Xin loi" and "Choi oi" just be patient, and
simply leave quickly and calmly if by some chance he utters "di di" with an
irritated look on his face because it means no less than "Get the h___ out of
here." Do not let it shake you up if he picks up the phone and yells
"Skyking forward, sir" or says "Roger out" for good-bye or simply
shouts "Working."
Never ask why the Jones' son held a
higher rank than he did, and by no means mention the word "Extend."
Pretend not to notice if at a restaurant he calls the waitress "numbah one girl"
and uses his hat as an ashtray. He will probably keep listening for "Homeward
Bound" to sound off over AFRS. If he does, comfort him, for he is still
reminiscing. Be especially watchful when he is in the presence of women -----
especially a beautiful woman.
Above all, keep in mind that beneath
that tanned and rugged exterior there is a heart of gold (the only thing of value he has
left). Treat him with kindness, tolerance, and an occasional fifth of good liquor
and you will be able to rehabilitate that which was once (and now a hollow shell) the
happy-go-lucky guy you once knew and loved.
Last, but not least, send no more
mail to the APO, fill the ice box with beer, get the civvies out of the mothballs, fill
the car with gas, and get the women and children off the streets -----
BECAUSE THE KID IS COMING
HOME!!!!!
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